Because I am "sick" things at home are very different. My husband has taken over the mommy job too. All I get to do is whatever I want. Sounds great, no? Mostly it is, because it gives me the luxury of time. Time to sleep, time to heal, time to think, time to soak in a bubble bath, time to cry. It gives me the pleasure of no pressure. There is NOTHING I have to do at home unless I personally choose to do it. I am sure many of you moms out there are thinking - wow I wouldn't mind that for a day or two. My husband would give me back my old job in a flash if he thought / knew I could handle it. Some days I want to be me, the mommy that I was, the wife that I was. But I am no longer that person. I need to learn who I am again. Slowly I will get stronger, and some days will be better than others. If all I can do one day is shower and go back to bed - at least I got up. If some days I feel I can cook supper and run some errands - excellent, but only if I choose to.
I do not look sick. I look fine. I look like nothing is wrong, and most people have no clue that I suffered a breakdown. The line that people have been told is that my doc prescribed me a medication that made me sick and if I had not got to the hospital when i did I would have possibly died. The story continues that I had to stay in the hospital until they got my meds straightened out. That's basically what the kids have been told too. My closest friends know what really happened. It scares them. Kiki has always been strong. My shoulders have been so wide and carried so many burdens for myself as well as for them, and to see me reduced to a snivelling pile of indecision was so painful for them. The strong have stuck by. The others have gone their own ways, and I understand. Mental illness is ver hard to deal with.
Not all of my circle of support here know about the abuse I suffered. They don't know about the Post traumatic stress that I am and will be suffering from as I relive the details through therapy. It may be months before I am "well" again. That's ok. One day at a time. I need to have time for me. I need to do things just for myself. I need to spoil myself - the spa....oh the spa - do things for myself that I have never or hardly ever do / done. This is a time for ME. I need to remember that. An occasional older friend called yesterday from the hospital where she has been for 3 weeks. She has had a couple of bowel obstructions and may be facing surgery. She wanted to talk to me because I have such a positive attitude and I would make her feel better. I put on the persona, and I was mad at myself. There is to be no more fakiness. I am ME, no more facades. I promised to go visit her, is there anything I can do for her etc etc. I got off the phone and spoke to Mr Kiki about the call. He had been very hesitant about giving me the phone - wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. He was upset - he hadn't wanted me to feel the way I did after the call. In a way I have to neglect her. I need to take care just of me, and if I start running and doing for others right now I will never heal.
I am going to take a nice long hot shower and make a couple of phonecalls and then stay in bed with some great movies and books.