singing the blues

I have been a single mom for a week now. A week ago Sunday morning the man moved all his stuff into his new apartment. I did wake up the next day with a huge sense of relief in not having to deal with him immediately. We've both been to legal counsel and initiated DIVORCE proceedings. So sad. My heart is well and truly broken, I wonder if even scotch tape would even do a good enough job...... The kids, oy, they are so confused and sad and mad and angry and everything in between that's so normal for them to feel. They do however understand that it has nothing to do with them, and that it isn't their fault in any way shape or form. We've tried to hammer that point home a bajillion times.

As most of you know I had a nervous breakdown 6 months ago and have been busy healing myself. This whole divorce thing is throwing all my hard work down teh drain as I feel totally rejected as a person, as a wife, as a mother, as a life partner. He doesn't deserve me, and I am glad he left. The reasons for this divorce will remain private, but suffice it to say that we had problems for many years, and after fighting daily to keep our marriage on track, I gave up. I couldn't carry it any more if he was not willing to do his part.

My children have been hugged so much in the last couple of weeks I think I squeezed them taller. They are doing ok, surprisingly so. Probably because we talk it all out and they are encourage to share their feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities etc.

I'm rambling - I need to sleep.
Ciao

Goat Food

Momo learned a lesson yesterday. i add All Bran buds to my cereal. not a lot, but enough so that constipation is not a problem. the boys watched him brekkie time. he took a handful of the buds and said it was goat food. he ended up eating 3 handfuls. the kids thought it hysterical. i was horrified b/c i knew it would hurt. by 12 he was in agony - his tummy hurt so much. After 2 bad bouts of diarrhea, he felt all better, but oh boy did he learn a lesson. i doubt he will ever touch all bran again. His brothers either!!

Nuttier than a fruitcake

not yet 7.30 and already the most important question I have been asked "why is ny called the big apple" What the heck - do they think I am a walking compilation of facts? I particularly liked the answer that i found about a Madame called Eve who referred to her prozzies as her little apples.....but it has really something to do with horse racing or something.

Doing ok, some issues, but more or less hanging in there....

sorry guys

life is hectic but fine. no time to blog.

Stronger

Doing better today. Ups and downs are only to be expected I guess. It's just going to take a long time until I am all smoothed out, and I guess sometimes I get impatient and want the process to be finished already. I have to learn to accept grey areas. Not everything in this world is an absolute. For me this is a hard lesson.

The love from the kids and my man keep me going. My man and I have had several deep discussions and many unasked questions have been asked and answered, this adds a little to the stress on my plate. But we have made a deep and lifelong committment to each other, and this will withstand anything.

Gonna go nap before I see my psych.

Ciao

Kiki
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slipping

I'm having a hard time. rock bottom sucks, and I am still there. I cry all day and all night and nothing makes it right. My flame is low, it wants to be extinguished, but I know I cannot allow it. I have been trying so hard to feel better but at then end of the day it's just a cover, a facade. I feel like shit. I see my WC (WC = walking conscience - ie Shrink)at 2, and if not for that I would find it difficult to have gotten up this morning. I will be ok, but when?

ciao

Kiki

Bling Bling

In the spirit of doing something for myself I went and had my navel pierced. It is something I had wanted to do for years, but never had the courage. It was not too expensive, I knew the reputable place to go, I chose a ring with pink crystals - the bigger crystal is in the belly button (like a filler) and the smaller one on the outside of my navel. It's simple, non-obvious and just what I wanted. The high from getting it lasted all of 15 minutes.

I am back home, I am miserable and crying my little head off. Rock bottom hurts. I just want to be back to myself. I had a wonderful conversation with CoffeeCup - and I felt so much better after, b/c CoffeeCup can make me laugh through my tears, and he's a wonderful friend who won't put up with my bullshit!!! I am still crying, but less. I am having a rough day, and that's ok. Let me get through today, and tomorrow will bring it's own challenges.

Ciao

Kiki

Special Treatment

Because I am "sick" things at home are very different. My husband has taken over the mommy job too. All I get to do is whatever I want. Sounds great, no? Mostly it is, because it gives me the luxury of time. Time to sleep, time to heal, time to think, time to soak in a bubble bath, time to cry. It gives me the pleasure of no pressure. There is NOTHING I have to do at home unless I personally choose to do it. I am sure many of you moms out there are thinking - wow I wouldn't mind that for a day or two. My husband would give me back my old job in a flash if he thought / knew I could handle it. Some days I want to be me, the mommy that I was, the wife that I was. But I am no longer that person. I need to learn who I am again. Slowly I will get stronger, and some days will be better than others. If all I can do one day is shower and go back to bed - at least I got up. If some days I feel I can cook supper and run some errands - excellent, but only if I choose to.

I do not look sick. I look fine. I look like nothing is wrong, and most people have no clue that I suffered a breakdown. The line that people have been told is that my doc prescribed me a medication that made me sick and if I had not got to the hospital when i did I would have possibly died. The story continues that I had to stay in the hospital until they got my meds straightened out. That's basically what the kids have been told too. My closest friends know what really happened. It scares them. Kiki has always been strong. My shoulders have been so wide and carried so many burdens for myself as well as for them, and to see me reduced to a snivelling pile of indecision was so painful for them. The strong have stuck by. The others have gone their own ways, and I understand. Mental illness is ver hard to deal with.

Not all of my circle of support here know about the abuse I suffered. They don't know about the Post traumatic stress that I am and will be suffering from as I relive the details through therapy. It may be months before I am "well" again. That's ok. One day at a time. I need to have time for me. I need to do things just for myself. I need to spoil myself - the spa....oh the spa - do things for myself that I have never or hardly ever do / done. This is a time for ME. I need to remember that. An occasional older friend called yesterday from the hospital where she has been for 3 weeks. She has had a couple of bowel obstructions and may be facing surgery. She wanted to talk to me because I have such a positive attitude and I would make her feel better. I put on the persona, and I was mad at myself. There is to be no more fakiness. I am ME, no more facades. I promised to go visit her, is there anything I can do for her etc etc. I got off the phone and spoke to Mr Kiki about the call. He had been very hesitant about giving me the phone - wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. He was upset - he hadn't wanted me to feel the way I did after the call. In a way I have to neglect her. I need to take care just of me, and if I start running and doing for others right now I will never heal.

I am going to take a nice long hot shower and make a couple of phonecalls and then stay in bed with some great movies and books.

Ciao

Kiki
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